I'm meeting up with my brother this weekend, livejournal, and it's totally rippling my pond. If I could pin down exactly why it's rippling my pond - on which frequency it's doing so - I suppose I wouldn't need the services of a therapist. So here I sit with a hundred possibilities and a generally irritable temperament instead.

It could be that I'm annoyed by having to drive eight hours round trip for all of this to take place. It could be that I'm anticipating us having a pleasant time but addressing nothing of substance, which would irk me. It could be that anything to do with my family is inherently pond rippling. It could be the ever-present money worries that cast a pall over everything. It could be that the weather on Monday is suppose to be really, truly, horribly freezing. It could be that I promised I'd bring him one of the types of cookies I bake at Christmas, and have to fit that into my week. It could be that one of his messages made it sound like he wouldn't have time to hang out on Sunday. It could be all of the above and much, much more.

There are good things - I'm staying with a dear friend, we're going to a great place to eat on Saturday night (although my brother might not think so - file under pond rippling), and it will be good for me to leave work behind for a few days. And while my pond is rippled at least I can identify what I'm feeling as grumpiness and irritability rather than depression. That's definitely a win.

I'd just relish a tiny bit of equanimity.

If there were a January equivalent of bah! humbug I would say it right here [ ]. Consider the sentiment expressed.

Day 2: In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you did not create.

The King of Atlantis by runpunkrun (SGA). Because:

"You should be. I'm going to roll all over you with these oranges I found."

"Oranges!" Rodney says.

Bespoke by perspi (H50). Because:

"When Danny gives him nothing more than narrowed eyes in return, Steve spits, “I’m not a fucking project and I d--”

“Who the fuck said you were?” Danny cuts him off. He shoves his chair back and starts jabbing takeout boxes closed. “Did it ever maybe occur to you, you self-absorbed asshole, that some people would rather spend time with you than be home alone because they like your company?”

All You Have to Do is Open Your Eyes by torakowalski (The Losers). Because:

He settles in next to Cougar and joins him in staring at absolutely nothing. “That’s a cool piece of lint, right,” he says, pointing at the air in front of them.

Cougar closes his eyes for a long second. It’s what he does when he isn’t quite ready to smile.

“So I’m just gonna nap here,” Jensen announces. “It’s comfortable. Don’t make too much noise; you know what you’re like. Loudest motherfucker I know.”

As last seen at kassrachel's journal, day one of this year's Snowflake Challenge:

Day 1: In your own space, post a rec for at least three fanworks that you have created. It can be your favorite fanworks that you've created, or fanworks you feel no one ever saw, or fanworks you say would define you as a creator.

( SGA, Hawaii Five-0, and the Avengers )

Yuletide reveals are up! My madness story was:

The Case of the Amazon Wishlist (Elementary)
Joan, Sherlock | 554 words | Holmes sets out to discover what will best irritate his father. Watson helps.

Avengers

Situation Normal, Tony Stark Involved
Steve/Tony, Coulson, Thor, Pepper | 1304 words | Tony has ideas about his role after the inauguration (sequel to Pigeonville, USA)

Blue Stars Shiver
Steve/Tony | 2037 words | Steve and PTSD

Choosing Anger
Bruce | 976 words | Bruce's Story
* Possibly my favorite thing I wrote all year

About Everything
Steve/Tony, Peter Parker | 695 words | Superfamily tag to the Amazing Spiderman

Four Days
Bruce, Tony | 1785 words | Four days after the battle of Manhattan

Spongebob, Garfield, and a Mark VIII Suit
Steve/Tony, team | 902 words | Thanksgiving 1933; Thanksgiving 2012

If You Build It
Steve/Peggy, pre-Tony/Pepper, Coulson, Thor, team | 9686 words | Avengers/Field of Dreams fusion
* Possibly the most satisfying story I've ever pieced together

Hawaii Five-0

Kiss
Steve/Danny | 220 words | First Kiss

Kaikamahine
Steve, Danny, Rachel, Grace, team | tag to 2x15

Warm
Steve/Danny | 295 words | Sleepy Danny

Dear Steve
Steve/Danny | 350 words | tag to 2x20

Kid Fears
Steve/Danny | 625 words | tag to the season two finale

Taking It Slow
Steve/Danny | 536 words | tag to season three premiere

Stay Close
Steve/Danny | 809 words | tag to 3x06

SGA

Home, a Farm in Iowa Story
John/Rodney | 562 words | Spring, after eight years

Stains and Things, a Farm in Iowa Story
John/Rodney | 784 words | John has feelings about his couch

Suits

The Suit
Jessica | 348 words | Set during the events of "rewind"

Mystery!

A Yuletide Madness story, which isn't in any of my regular fandoms, to be revealed January 1

What books would you recommend, flist? I'm hoping to find my reading groove again in the new year, and I'd love to hear what you're loving!

I have spent today organizing things. I have a huge carpenter's chest in my back bedroom which contains all kinds of things for gifting and wrapping, and over the last few weeks the contents exploded everywhere. So today I pulled everything out and repacked it - along with some new additions, like cookie tins I bought for 70% off, ready for next year - and the sorting and sifting and organizing was so satisfying. So much so that I kept going - sorted my sewing basket, which hasn't been organized since roughly 1909. I made myself a button jar, and reorganized all the thread, and threw out things I haven't used in years, like velcro and a mysterious string of red sequins. And then I felt like I should mend the pile of mending I had in the back bedroom, so I did that, and then I reorganized all my sweaters to make room for the ones I'd repaired, and I folded and hung my laundry and lo, it was good. (We need more lo, in life, I think. So lo, let it be so.)

Organizing gives me lots of time to think, and I've been thinking about my cousin a lot. My mom recently told me that J had been diagnosed with schizophrenia, and was fine when she was on her meds, but when the meds worked she went off them, thinking that she'd be okay. "It's so stupid," my mom said, forcefully, and I plain didn't have the spoons to say, no, it's not; it's hard to understand, sure, but it's her illness that makes that seem like a good choice; she isn't dumb. I feel for J - she's been trying to handle this on her own for years, distracting herself a hundred different ways - by emigrating, by moving back, by drinking, by dating less-than-stellar men - and now she has a diagnosis she's surrounded by people who think her actions are "stupid." (J was hospitalized once before, and when I asked why, my mother said, "because of low self-esteem." Understanding mental illness is not a high priority for my mother or her family.) J's brother is an alcoholic, and I would love to sit down with both of them, to be able to say, let's pretend we're really close and we've seen each other much more recently than 18 years ago, and no holds barred just talk about the shit going down in our lives. Of course that might not be even close to what J or her brother need, and talking openly isn't a feature of the way we've grown up, and I recognize that what I'm grasping for is a sense of belonging in my own family. But it's a nice little fantasy, to think we could understand each other. Maybe someday we'll get that chance.

This Christmas was a wonderful Christmas. I spent it with one of my best friends and her family (lo, there were 19 people for Christmas dinner) and it was very jolly madness. Christmas Eve we went bowling, and everyone rejoiced with me when I hit any pins at all, and acted as if I had been robbed by the fates when I gutterballed (which was a lot). Christmas Eve night we made homemade eggnog, and oh sweet lord, what a thing of beauty. It beat every other eggnog I've ever had, and I seriously considered having it for Christmas morning breakfast. The rum quotient probably wouldn't have made that the best idea . . .

I saw movies! First I saw Friends with Benefits on cable and ( Read more... )

Then I saw Les Miserables and ( Read more... )

Perhaps the most unexpected part of my Christmas was that my friend bought me a Kindle Fire. AWESOME. Homg, I have had so much fun playing with it and loading it with apps. I've had many moments over the last few days where I've thought about my first computer with its 20K of memory and then goggled at the 12 gig device in my hand. WE ARE LIVING IN THE FUTURE, PEOPLE. I was blessed a hundred times over by the gifts people gave me this year, and every single one of them meant the world to me. I am lucky beyond the telling of it.

Lastly, Yuletide! I wrote a treat amid the hundreds of treats out there, in a fandom I haven't written fic in before, and it was so much fun. Yay for so many new stories to read!

I hope your Christmas, if you celebrated, was merry and bright, and if you didn't, that the days were filled with light and happiness! How's the season treating you so far?

Scotty says HAPPY HOLIDAYS to those celebrating \o/

(icon by siriaeve, eeeeeee)

Blizzard!

I am enjoying said blizzard very much from inside my house, instead of out there in the madness. I'm drinking snow day tea and eating snow day chocolate, and pretty soon there'll be a snow day nap.

I saw This is 40 last night and ( spoilers )

Fic: If You Build It by sheafrotherdon
9800 words | PG | Avengers / Field of Dreams AU | post Iron Man, post Thor, post Captain America. Steve/Peggy, pre Tony/Pepper. With grateful thanks to dogeared for beta.

This fic works best if you've seen the movie Field of Dreams. Otherwise, every time you think "why would he . . . " the answer is ". . . because it's in the movie."

[at my livejournal] or at [AO3].

Fic: If You Build It by sheafrotherdon
9800 words | PG | Avengers / Field of Dreams AU | post Iron Man, post Thor, post Captain America. Steve/Peggy, pre Tony/Pepper. With grateful thanks to dogeared for beta | Also at AO3.

[This fic works best if you've seen the movie Field of Dreams. Otherwise, every time you think "why would he . . . " the answer is ". . . because it's in the movie."]

( Read more... )

I got thrown out of step on Monday night by my first flashback in a long time: I turned out my bedroom light to go to sleep and suddenly I was in my childhood bedroom.

I'm better at dealing with flashbacks now than when I had my first. I no longer panic at the cognitive dissonance of being in one place and being in another at the same time. I can name the sensation, and can even feel my way around inside the flashback somewhat, looking for clues as to why it's happening. I couldn't work it out on Monday; it lasted a long time; I have no idea the trigger. I wonder what my brain's working through that a flashback (literally and figuratively) came to mind.

The feeling of being out of step with the world lingered yesterday, aided and abetted by a trip to the dentist's office for a check-up, a place where I traditionally get triggered a lot. I weathered the trip on my own, with half a Xanax, which is an amazing marker of change for me, but I felt discombobulated for the rest of the day, a feeling that didn't pass until I'd slept for three hours late in the afternoon.

And today I still feel like I'm out of step with myself, with the world. Maybe it's nothing more than the flashback reminding me that I have no control over this illness, and me feeling wobbly as a result. Maybe it's that my sense of reality got a little shifted, as if someone gave it a good, sharp kick. Maybe it's that and the dentist's visit all in one. Whatever it is I'm having to remind myself to go slow, to breathe, to let things unfold however they will rather than scrabbling to try and change the feeling.

To sum up:

me: brain, what are you even?
brain: because of reasons

1) I'm taking care of my friend's baby a couple of days a week, and have chance to test out my Patsy Cline theory on yet another child. Conclusion: there is something in the musical intervals of 'Crazy' that will make a fussing / wailing child hush up almost instantly. I am now five for five babies on the Crazy plan, and while all of them liked singing of any sort, they were utterly mesmerized by this particular song. Why is this? I do not know. I merely roll with the results.

2) Yesterday I went to a fancy party and wore a very fetching red cocktail dress. I accessorized with an enormous bruise on my shin from where I walked into the coffee table. From the knees up? Polished and poised. Knees down? Something of a six year old who likes to climb trees.

3) Know what's crack to me at this time of year? JoAnn, the craft store. They lure me in with their 60% off sales and send me back out into the winter night clutching a $2.39 bag of cinnamon pine cones, or a 69c reel of sparkly ribbon. The store is fiendish.

4) My love of Elementary continues to grow, and my reviews of every episode can be summed up as "Faaaaaaaaaaaace!" with a side of "oh, burn." <--- usually because of something Joan says. The show should be on 24/7, or at least 12/3.5 with the rest of the time being used by The Voice.

5) Speaking of The Voice - I'm all about Cassadee and Hobbit, and mostly want Minnesota to get sent home.

6) Things on the mental health front are good of late. I saw my psychiatrist on Wednesday, and she's really happy with how I'm doing. Wellbutrin has turned out to be my wonder drug, giving back my concentration, drive, and energy, and completely coincidentally causing me to lose 18lbs because of how much it's reduced my appetite. I cannot tell you how great it is, after suffering through nausea and lack of taste and dizziness and foggy thinking with my other drugs, to get a side effect with this one that's actually kind of cool.

7) LES MIS. I cannot wait. Who's with me?

8) Because esteefee is a rock star, I was able to buy a $12, 3ft high tree the other day. It is the fattest, cutest tree imaginable, and I have decorated it with all the completely ridiculous ornaments I have. These include a NYC taxi cab, a snowman playing baseball, an glass ear of corn, an ornament in the shape of Minnesota, two White House Historical Society ornaments, and two wooden sheep. The sheep might be my favorites.

9) Danny Williams' biceps. You're welcome.

Stains and Things (a Farm in Iowa story) by sheafrotherdon
~800 words | PG | John/Rodney | for kassrachel's prompt "John and Rodney on a couch." | Also at AO3

With thanks to dogeared for being a wonderful beta!

( Read more... )

Spongebob, Garfield, and a Mark VIII Suit by sheafrotherdon
~ 900 words, Steve/Tony, Natasha, Clint, Bruce. For dogeared's holiday prompt: "Avengers Macy's Thanksgiving Parade Shenanigans." Also at AO3.

( Read more... )

Sundays are always an adventure in my house, because Sunday is always the day that my mom calls. It's always a crapshoot as to whether we'll have a pleasant conversation, or whether something will trigger me, or whether I'll end up on some mental tangent for the rest of the day, fussing at the corner of an idea I can barely make out.

Today was one of those days.

( Today, my mom asked me something seemingly innocuous )

The lovely librarychick_94 has recorded podfic of an enormous number of the Farm in Iowa stories, including:

A Farm in Iowa
Rodney's Perspective, A Stillness so Right and A Little Night Music (recorded as a set due to their shorter length)
And Then There Was Finn
Toilet Paper, Tylenol and the Geneva Convention and Stairs and Of 2am Feeds and Much Deprivation (recorded as a set due to their shorter length)
These Men Who Have Flown
Baffa Day
Near the Earth, to Touch
Two (and a half) Weeks in the Life
A Big Stupid Glory of Being Wrong All the Time

You can find links to all the stories [here], which is a wonder. Deepest, deepest thanks to librarychick_94 for undertaking such a project and working so many hours!

Go listen! ♥

I was looking at some stills from episode six of Elementary . . .

( Read more... )

From the vaults, especially for the season: ['Ohana Kupa], in which Steve goes to Jersey for Thanksgiving with Danny's family.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, everyone! And to all who won't be celebrating, happy Thursday! Buy a treat. Everyone deserves a treat on a Thursday.