04 May 2017 @ 07:25 am
 
This week has been a doozy, mainly down to an all-hands meeting on Monday where someone I considered a friend chose not to support a project I've been working on for four years, and denounced it in the most cutting and lengthy fashion in front of everyone. Others then piled on. It was very upsetting.

That's the short version. The more important thing is that I spent time talking to Jan about it yesterday, because it's upset me so much, and had such an impact on the way I think about work. I've lost my motivation, I struggle to get up in a morning, I have trouble concentrating when I'm in the office, etc.

She suggested two things. First, that when people give you new information about who they are you believe them. That's not judgmental, it's just a very dispassionate assessment of the situation. "I did not know that about you before. Now I do. I'm going to believe you when you show me that's part of you." We get to redraw boundaries as a consequence. Second, she suggested I think of this like a break up. It's hard to end relationships - any relationship - but if I think of it like a break up, I can simply recognize we're not good for each other any more, and act in recognition of that fact. Like in a break up, it should be a clean break - none of this 'we can still be friends' business (because it never works). And like a break up, I should expect that I'm going to feel sad and bruised about all of this for a while.

It hasn't magically healed things to think that way, but that framing is so, so helpful to me. We did EMDR on the whole situation, too, and I realized that the people involved have been showing me who they are for a while, but I've been making excuses for them. That's behavior in myself that I want to change - that mindset has gotten me into trouble in the past - so it's to the good to be doing this.

And then today is the day when my employer cancels everything as a surprise and we all get the day off. It could not be better timed! I have a whole day stretching out ahead of me with nothing in it yet, and I can cook and bake and clean and make art and see friends, and oh, what a lovely thing. Just two more weeks and my spring crunch time is over and I can settle into the easier days of summer.

. . . and Bonnie Tyler's 'holding out for a hero' just started playing in my head. New anthem?
 
 
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lexstar29[personal profile] lexstar29 on May 4th, 2017 01:25 pm (UTC)
Oh my lovely, I am so sorry to hear that, but I totally agree with what Jan said. I love that response of 'When someone shows who they are believe them' I totally ascribe to that. I also love her very valid point about redrawing boundaries as a consequence, and looking at it as a break up. I'm so sorry that you had that experience this week, but these words from Jan were very timely for me. Whilst I totally get the whole, 'When someone shows who they are believe them' thing, I was struggling with how to translate that into moving on from it. This helps me with that, but again, I am so sorry that it happened to you.

I'm glad that today is an unexpected gift of a day off. Enjoy every moment of it.

I am just back from New York and so sad about it. Goodness but I have left my heart there. My Instagram has been a deluge of NYC love from me over the last two weeks. It's possible that Facebook will collapse under the weight of all the photos I will post in the next day or so.

Enjoy your lovely day of baking and art and friends.
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:07 pm (UTC)
It's such a useful framing, isn't it? It's helped me distinguish between all the people I was mad at on Monday evening, and distill down exactly which boundary needs to go where. I'm sorry that you're in the same position, love, but hope that the framing is super helpful there, too!

I just saw that your photos are up on FB! I will go peruse ♥
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Noora: Donna/Ten - [hugs][personal profile] adelate on May 4th, 2017 02:49 pm (UTC)
Oh that's awful! When people you thought you knew prove to be something else entirely, it's just such a hard thing. I'm glad you get the day off to do things for yourself.
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you, love. After some reflection I have to admit these folks have been showing me who they are for a while, and I've not believed them. So I feel good about finally getting it and figuring out my boundaries as a result.
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kass[personal profile] kass on May 4th, 2017 05:44 pm (UTC)
Oh my goodness. I am so sorry that people are awful, and that someone you considered a friend chose to be so atrocious.

Like in a break up, it should be a clean break - none of this 'we can still be friends' business (because it never works). And like a break up, I should expect that I'm going to feel sad and bruised about all of this for a while.

This is wise framing, and is helpful to me too, so thank you for saying it. I also have a tendency to make excuses for people even when they show me who they really are.
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:08 pm (UTC)
I have made so many excuses for the people involved before now. But I'm done doing that now, and it's really freeing in the clarity it's brought me. So that's good! ♥
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kouredios: Heart[personal profile] kouredios on May 4th, 2017 06:36 pm (UTC)
Ugh. Oh man, what a nightmare situation. I'm so glad you have Jan and Bonnie Tyler to help keep you going. :)
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:09 pm (UTC)
Me too! It's a powerful combination :D
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sage: bear hug[personal profile] sage on May 4th, 2017 07:54 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. What a terrible experience, but especially coming from people you liked and trusted.

I'm so glad Jan was able to help you begin to redefine those relationships. That's a thing that's been on my mind a lot lately, as well. (i.e. where are the boundaries atm vs. where *should* the boundaries be?)

I hope you have a lovely self-care day!
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:10 pm (UTC)
It was a good self-care day, and I worked from home yesterday afternoon, so got to be in a much more relaxed, comfortable atmosphere for two straight days, pretty much. I'm so grateful for that.

Jan is so great. And her framing helped me see where i am drawing a boundary because I have information that suggests that's where a boundary should go, as opposed to just reflexively lashing out / withdrawing. It's been so helpful.
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the_shoshanna[personal profile] the_shoshanna on May 4th, 2017 11:09 pm (UTC)
Ugh, that meeting sounds horrible. As does your supposed friend. Jan's advice is good, az always, and I hope you've enjoyed your day to yourself!
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:10 pm (UTC)
The day was lovely! And yes, the meeting was awful, but I'm focusing, now, on the fact that I have good information that will make my life better going forward. That's a good thing, even if I would rather have realized it some other way.
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flaming_muse[personal profile] flaming_muse on May 4th, 2017 11:58 pm (UTC)
Love love love to you.
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:11 pm (UTC)
Love right back at you! ♥
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sasha_feather[personal profile] sasha_feather on May 5th, 2017 12:23 am (UTC)
<3
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:11 pm (UTC)
♥!
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celli[personal profile] celli on May 5th, 2017 03:19 am (UTC)
<33333
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on May 6th, 2017 02:11 pm (UTC)
sending love! ♥
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