sheafrotherdon: (Default)
sheafrotherdon ([personal profile] sheafrotherdon) wrote on May 14th, 2017 at 09:48 am
Grrrrr. Argh.
I went for a walk this morning before it got too hot, and enjoyed my neighborhood in the quiet while everyone else was in bed or making breakfast. I let my thoughts go where they wanted, and when something bubbled up that needed my attention, I let it. And I spent a good part of the walk wrestling with the resentment I feel because it’s Mother’s Day.

Part of that is tied up in my own relationship with my mother. That part’s easy to see and easy to be gentle with myself about.

But part of it is tied up with the fact that I want a day where I’m recognized for the nurturing I do, which is not a particularly pleasant thing to realize (I feel vaguely like a toddler stamping her foot). But then I quickly realized it’s not really about that. It’s about family.

I have no family in the United States. And while I certainly have a network of friends who love me and support me and are my ‘found family’ in a sense, I don’t have the fallback of family in the way those friends do. There is no default for me on big, family holidays. There is no assumption of us owing time to one another. There’s nowhere for me to be on Mother’s Day – no one for me to honor, no honoring done.

I wish, so much, for an experience of family similar to the ones my close friends have, all of whom have siblings and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews galore. I want to be part of a web that pulls me in on family holidays, rather than being on my own. My wish to be recognized is really a wish to be included.

(Maybe this is something I can articulate to my friends – I’m still letting that idea roll around in my mind, where it wars with the idea that I’m being too demanding – and maybe it’s not.)

Aie. Anyway. To those of you who also struggle today, for whatever reason – yearning to be a mother; being a mother who has lost a child; being a daughter who has lost a mother; being someone whose mother was distant or hurtful or abusive; being someone who never had a stable maternal figure in their life; so many other possibilities – I’m sending you so much love today. ♥

eta: Here's Anne Lamott on the complexities of Mother's Day - a really beautiful, thoughtful post.
 
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