05 August 2017 @ 05:43 pm
 
My niece, aged 10, had a sleepover here last night. After dinner, and shopping for new school clothes at Target, we came back here and cued up Captain America: Civil War. The movie opens, and she asks where things are happening, and I say Russia. She was all . . . Russia? And I was all, yes, look, it's 1991, Bucky is still frozen. And she says, "who's Bucky?"

WHO'S BUCKY?

So I stop the movie and quiz her on what she remembers from films she's seen and realize she's never seen The Winter Soldier. So we back up, call up that movie, and watch it gleefully.

Niece: "I like his face."
Me: "Captain America's?"
Niece: "mmm, yes."

Where is the lie?

After we watched Winter Solider (throughout which she was Sam's biggest cheerleader and wanted to know why he didn't have a movie yet (me: "from your lips to god's ears, sweetness,")) we went to bed, but this morning she wanted to watch the next movie in the series.

Which was Age of Ultron

Friends, it is a testimony to how much I love my niece that I spent my Saturday morning watching that absolute train wreck of a movie a SECOND TIME. And when I first saw it, I believe I was measured in my reaction, holding tight to the six-second glimpse of Steve and Peggy dancing as a talisman against all the stuff that was so, so wrong.

But on a second viewing? HOLY SWEET POTATOES IN A DEEP FAT FRYER IT IS THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE.

Everyone's characterization is wrong. Nothing makes sense (from Steve's sudden inability to swear to Tony's sudden rediscovery of loving suits and robots after he blew them all up at the end of IM3). Natasha flirting at the bar with Bruce was painful. Natasha and Bruce at the farmhouse made my want to scratch out my eyes. I had to actively leave the room for part of the movie (under the auspices of taking a shower) because I could not handle my rage.

We were given such great characters! Why was Joss Whedon ever allowed near them?

*Hulk smash*

My niece observed at the end that Thor really didn't get to do much and I asked, calmly and deliberately, "Did anyone really get any character development?" And she said, "Huh. No. You're right. That was such a weird film."

Out of the mouths of babes, friends. Out of the mouths of babes.

I need to wash the foul taste of that movie out of my mouth, potentially by watching TWS again, and then imagining all the ways everyone was in love with everyone else in that movie and afterwards. And maybe I should write the alternative Age of Ultron, although that would require a name to change to something like Avengers: Age of Revels, in which everyone hangs out together at Tony's place but there is no pissing contest over Thor's hammer, and Sam sticks around to generally poke holes in Tony's ego at every opportunity. Which Tony really likes.

Whew.
 
 
 
 
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this is not in the proper spirit of rumspringa: avengers - natasha no dove[personal profile] siria on August 5th, 2017 11:14 pm (UTC)
Ultron would never have existed without Tony being hit by the Stupid Ray.

My poor Natasha.
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sheafrotherdon: Avengers [Nick Fury by fiendunderpin][personal profile] sheafrotherdon on August 5th, 2017 11:50 pm (UTC)
Clearly whomever shot Tony with the Stupid Ray also shot all the producers and gatekeepers at Marvel, who then shot it at Joss Whedon. PROBABLY THINKING IT WAS A SMART RAY.
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this is not in the proper spirit of rumspringa: avengers - natasha & steve[personal profile] siria on August 6th, 2017 12:00 am (UTC)
Why would Tony? But more to the point, and I think much more importantly, why would Pepper??
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on August 6th, 2017 12:45 am (UTC)
Well, Pepper Was Conveniently Not There, Nor Apparently In Touch At Any Point, Because The CEO Of A Major Tech Organization Would Never. Right?
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this is not in the proper spirit of rumspringa: avengers - sam[personal profile] siria on August 6th, 2017 12:54 am (UTC)
It is pleasing to me, sometimes, to imagine how loudly she would have yelled at Tony—and then how she would have followed that up with what Tony dreads even more, The Silence.
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ravenholdt[personal profile] ravenholdt on August 5th, 2017 11:44 pm (UTC)
I love all of this. (lol "Who's Bucky?"

Who, indeed.
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sheafrotherdon: Captain America [by gallicka][personal profile] sheafrotherdon on August 5th, 2017 11:51 pm (UTC)
Existential question wrapped up in a wee tiny query. :D
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Sam Johnsson[personal profile] samjohnsson on August 6th, 2017 12:23 am (UTC)
Your niece is a wise woman.
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sheafrotherdon: Avengers [Nick Fury by fiendunderpin][personal profile] sheafrotherdon on August 6th, 2017 12:46 am (UTC)
She is, she is. I have high hopes that she will finish the work of smashing the patriarchy.
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shaggydogstail: wonderwoman[personal profile] shaggydogstail on August 6th, 2017 12:24 am (UTC)
Aw, your niece is adorbs. ♥
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sheafrotherdon: Captain America [drawing by antiposition[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on August 6th, 2017 12:46 am (UTC)
I agree! :D :D :D
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esteefee: capn[personal profile] esteefee on August 6th, 2017 05:32 am (UTC)
I've never seen AoU, mainly because I cannot bear the thought of losing JARVIS, who remains my favorite character in all the Marvel universe. I simply choose to believe the movie doesn't exist.
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kass[personal profile] kass on August 6th, 2017 03:20 pm (UTC)
You are the best aunt ever.
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cesperanza[personal profile] cesperanza on August 7th, 2017 07:54 pm (UTC)
Monicawoe calls it "Weekend at Ultron's." It makes it better.
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