21 July 2017 @ 01:30 pm
I'm thinking a lot about being left and leaving today. I've felt so low since my brother went home - lowness that is grief, Jan suggested, because whenever someone leaves for an extended period of time we grieve their absence. That I only get to see him once a year, and that those circumstances are not entirely of my creating compounds that. She reminded me that we do not expect a lot of people who are grieving when we clearly see the cause, and so I should not expect too much of myself while I'm working through all these feelings.

Having the feelings in the first place is a wondrous and hard-fought thing, and I'm keeping my eye on that as I process.

There's been a lot of left and leaving recently. Three people left their jobs at my place of work and left a vacuum that has still not been filled. Their leaving increased the amount of work on my plate to such a degree that when it's time for the creative part of my job I'm already depleted from the administrivia I'm doing, and my creativity feels forced and lacking. The hard conversations I had with colleagues last week happened while two of my closest local friends were away on vacation, so I felt their absence keenly, too. Then my brother. This all twists up with the bigger narratives of my life about leaving - especially about leaving England - in ways I haven't quite fully pinned down. But at least I see the patterns, or the patterns that my brain finds important, at least.

Leaving things has been my path to freedom. I wonder if, because that leaving was so big and important, I used up my share of goodwill where leaving is concerned, and now I just fear it. Lots to think about.
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kass[personal profile] kass on July 21st, 2017 07:27 pm (UTC)
Oh, my dear, I am so sorry that your brother's departure feels like such a loss. I can understand how that would be so.

It's my experience lately that every thing that evokes grief evokes not only present grief, but all of the previous griefs that get bound in with it. If your experience is similar, you may find that mourning the immediate loss of your brother (e.g. his departure) may link in with mourning other losses, older losses, more permanent losses.

I hug you up and I send love.
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on July 22nd, 2017 05:44 pm (UTC)
Yes, I think that's exactly what's been happening - and the very fact of him only being here once a year calls up all the reasons why our lives are like this, which makes the subconscious stuff conscious.

Today's yoga class felt like it helped clear away some of the cobwebs of that. And we installed, using EMDR, some good thoughts about going into the office on Monday, so fingers crossed I will feel less trapped there by all of this.
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lexstar29[personal profile] lexstar29 on July 21st, 2017 07:49 pm (UTC)
I am sending you so much love. I'm not surprised the leaving and being left are such complex things in your heart. They can be a hell of a thing to navigate at the best of time, let alone when we feel at a low ebb. Seeing the patterns that your brain is finding is a great step.

I am sending you gentle hugs for a peaceful and restorative weekend.
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on July 22nd, 2017 05:45 pm (UTC)
♥ yoga was a great start to my weekend, so I think I'm on track! I hope your weekend is similarly lovely and restorative, especially after your difficult week!
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here's luck: the weakerthans[personal profile] heresluck on July 22nd, 2017 12:38 am (UTC)
Lots to think about, indeed. Hurrah for seeing the patterns, even if you haven't quite worked out how all the pieces fit together.

(Tangentially related: this post made me wonder, do you know The Weakerthans' song "Left and Leaving"?)
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sheafrotherdon[personal profile] sheafrotherdon on July 22nd, 2017 05:46 pm (UTC)
I do know Left and Leaving, yes, and had it in my head all day yesterday :D That was one of the more pleasant parts of thinking about all of that - ready-made soundtrack :D
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